In My Next 30 Years

In my first 30 years, I thought my best friend should be a girl. And at the times that I had one, it was. At other times, I wanted so badly to have one - someone who was like a sister to me, a fellow female I could confide in and hang out with, who would understand me, and who would always be on my side and at my side. Friendship is great and important, and best friendship is even more special. So when I felt it was lacking, it made me very sad. In my next 30 years, I want to remember every day that I do have a best friend, someone who is always on my side and at my side, someone who wants more than anything to comfort me, laugh with me, and spend life with me: my husband. I must, must start remembering this, cherishing this, and not taking it for granted.

(By my side through three births, I think he's seen about the best and the worst of me by now!)

In my first 30 years, I craved control, and I let that craving control me. I wanted complete control over myself, and much of the time over everyone and everything around me. I wanted to win every argument and every competition, even if it wasn't a competition to anyone else. I wanted things to be perfect - what I considered perfect, anyway. I wanted to rule the world. Well, I don't and I can't. It is a pretty unattractive characteristic, that control thing. And, it frequently backfires. In my next 30 years, I want to - need to - cure that craving. I want to let God be in control. (Wait, who am I to let God do anything, right? Maybe I should say that I want to have a bit more faith in God's control. He's got it under control, whether I let Him or not!) And not just with God, but also to not be tempted to be the control-freak who must get her say and her way, and to trust that other people can do things and do them rightly and well. I do not need to be in control, and I have a feeling that will actually be quite freeing. Okay, I've been working on this one already, and it is. :) Maybe, just maybe, people will start to notice a new-not-control-freak-Marie! Life's more fun this way.

(This is me having fun. Big sunglasses. Something I would have never, ever considered even a year ago!)

Lastly, in my first 30 years, I read a lot. I thought a lot. I talked a lot. I read and thought and talked about all kinds of things - religion, health, parenting, even hobbies and homemaking. My brain is full of ideas and information, which came in handy for winning imaginary arguments. In my next 30 years, I want to walk the talk. I want to more purposefully and passionately live the faith I've learned so much about. I want to put the information into action, to be intentional in my interactions, especially with my children, and to implement the ideas I've had swirling around in my head (and often on paper) but have never actually done. It sounds lofty, I know, but there comes a time when gaining more knowledge isn't as good as using the knowledge you already have. (And I'm not really worried that I'll stop learning, because it's my favorite thing to do.)

All this stuff, entire changes of thought processes and maybe even personality traits, it won't happen tomorrow. Most likely none of it will, since tomorrow isn't that much different than today. That's why I'm giving myself the next 30 years, God willing, to tackle it.

My first 30 years were pretty amazing (you know, being born and being a kid, and then getting married and having my own kids - yes, I left out a chunk of not-as-amazing teenage years), but I'm awfully grateful for the wisdom and maturity to do the next 30 a bit better.

A Happy Ending

On the eve of my 30th birthday, I decided to reread some of my (now un-published) posts from the past couple of years. I barely recognize myself! I remember writing those posts, but I don't remember the feelings behind them very well. And to be honest, they're a bit embarrassing. It shouldn't be, because it was depression talking, but I was letting the ugliness of it get the best of me.

Tonight, the good news is that I'm not depressed (right now? anymore? I'm not sure of the best way to say that), even though I am a little overwhelmed with a fussy baby. It's just not getting to me the way things were then. Yes, I'm exhausted and occasionally have to vent about how hard things are right now, but at the end of the day, I'm happy. I'm tired, but happy. I have a lot to be happy about!

And that's how my 20's will end. It's a very happy ending, and an even happier new beginning.